ANOTHER QUICKIE FILLER EDITION EMPTY CALORIES FOR YOUR BRAIN Everybody and their Mexican goatsucker is talking about the MySpace website these days. If you're one of those unlucky few who have yet to get hip to the movement, don't worry... there's a short-cut. You can watch Myspace: the MOVIE! And remember... no matter how much it sucks, it can't be any worse than The Davinci Code. One of the most original and flat-out funniest shows on TV these days is Robot Chicken, which is all the more amazing when you consider that the cast consists mainly of 70's era action figures. Here's a representative sampling of the kind of stuff producer (and genuine fanboy) Seth "Scott Evil" Green and his posse of stop-motion maniacs are into. Special thanks today to Trembly Dale for sending in the first official Paul McCartney divorce joke! And here it is... A miner in South Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm screwed. Who will want a one-legged gold digger?" His mate replies, "Paul McCartney?" *** **** *** Yer Old Pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #317: Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, so you might as well not even bother. *** **** *** THE GREAT TASTE OF PENIS, REDUX In a recent edition of the Daily Dirt, we poked fun at the Guolizhuang restaurant, a Beijing dining establishment that specializes in genital-based cuisine. We even put together a list of the Top 13 Dishes available there. The dishes we came up with were pretty funny -- "Garlic Cheese Glans on a bed of Fermented Sour Balls" was a particular favorite of mine -- but afterwards, readers started sending in their own dishes. I thought I should wait until we collected 13 funny ones and then create a complete new second list, but the mail soon petered out and it went nowhere. However, three of the suggestions we got were too funny to just abandon to the digital ether, so I'm listing them here, today, as an Official Appendix to the original list (available at the link above): 14. Testicles Tetrazzini 15. Sausage Smeg McMuffin 16. Ladyfingers in Aspic Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY May 12 On this day in 1935, some guy by the name of 'Bill W' founds Alcoholics Anonymous, a 12-step program designed to boost the self-esteem of people who can't hold their liquor. On this day in 1938, while researching drugs to improve blood circulation and prevent geriatric disorders, chemist Albert Hoffman first manufactures LSD (lysergic acid diethylamide) for Sandoz Labs in Switzerland. It would be five years before he accidentally ingested any of the wonderstuff, afterwhich he wrote: "Last Friday, I was forced to interrupt my work in the laboratory in the middle of the afternoon and proceed home, being affected by a remarkable restlessness, combined with a slight dizziness. At home I lay down and sank into a not unpleasant intoxicated-like condition, characterized by an extremely stimulated imagination. In a dreamlike state, with eyes closed, I perceived an uninterrupted stream of fantastic pictures, extraordinary shapes with intense, kaleidoscopic play of colors. After some two hours this condition faded away." Cue the sitar music and turn on the lava lamps, dude! Here are some other people's TRIP STORIES! (my fingers are melting like lemon teardrops... awesome...) May 13 Okay, this one is a little confusing, so try to stay focused! In the 1970s, a group of far-right-wing Turks formed an anti-Soviet/anti-American terror group called the Gray Wolves. The Wolves were responsible for hundreds of murders. One of their members was Mehmet Ali Agca. In 1979, Agca was arrested for killing a liberal newspaper editor, but escaped from prison while awaiting trial. He left behind a note declaring his intent to kill the Pope if the Pontiff didn't cancel his long-planned good will trip to Turkey. Security was tightened, and the Pope survived his visit to the Muslim nation. So far so good. In May 1981, Agca snuck into Italy and, on this day, walked into St. Peter's Square during the weekly Papal address and shot Pope John Paul II four times with a 9mm Browning automatic. Agca was wrestled to the ground and the Pope was rushed to hospital where he underwent five hours of emergency surgery. Four days later, the Pope forgave Agca. Three weeks later, JPII left the hospital after making a full recovery. In July, Agca was sentenced to life in prison. In 1982, Agca claimed that he was merely a patsy in a KGB plot, arranged through the Bulgarian intelligence service, to assassinate JPII for his strident anti-communist rhetoric. In 1983, JPII visited Agca in the Italian prison where he was serving out his sentence. Soon after, Italian military police interrogated the would-be assassin to learn more about his conspiracy theory. This lead to the arrest of three Bulgarians and three Turks. In 1985, these six men went on trial for plotting to assassinate the Pope. Just as the trial was getting underway, Agca stood up and declared himself to be the second coming of Jesus Christ, and predicted the imminent end of the world. He further declared that the KGB plot story was created by "Western intelligence agents" as an excuse to smear the USSR in strongly Catholic South America, where communist reforms were widely popular. Furthermore, Agca claimed that God had told him to shoot JPII, as was foretold in the then still secret Third Prophecy of Fatima. Needless to say, charges were dropped and the trial was called off. On the 19th anniversary of Agca's assassination attempt, JPII visited Fatima, Portugal, where the Virgin Mary allegedly gave three prophecies to some simple country girls in 1917. The first prophecy foretold World War II. The second predicted the rise and fall of communism. The third prophecy -- long thought to be a horrifying prediction of nuclear Armageddon -- was kept secret by the Vatican until this day, when it was announced that Agca was right… it was a vision of an attempted assassination of a Pope. So move it along now, folks... there's no need to worry anymore! There's nothing more to see here! Well, Catholics the world over tried in vain to hide their disappointment at the anti-climax of it all. Decades of intrigue and dark suspicions… and for what?! It all seemed like kind of a rip-off, somehow. Like a cover-up! And Ratzinger was there! See today's Google This for more details. Interestingly, far from offering a soothing bromide, this "cover-up" forces believers to accept one of two equally disturbing scenarios: either a) the Vatican reverse engineered a cover story about the Third Prophecy of Fatima in order to help hide some fast-approaching nightmare... or an unfulfillable claim - like, for instance, "the Moon will float away from the Earth in 1962" - or b) Agca really is the second coming of Christ, thereby explaining how he knew the contents of the closely guarded Third Prophecy of Fatima. In any case, Agca was pardoned by Italy in 2000, and is now in Turkey serving out the remainder of his sentence for killing that newspaper editor. He is due to be set loose in 2008. May 14 On this day two years ago, Tommy Chong pleaded guilty to "manufacturing and distrubuting illegal drug paraphernalia" in a trial stemming from his arrest during Operation Nice Dreams, a sting dreamed up by Witchfinder General John Fucking Ashcroft to rid the nation's headshops of glass pipes and bongs, because, you know, allowing people to purchase a device they could possibly potentially use to smoke a God-created plant that George Washington used to grow on his plantation... well, that would be like letting the terrorists win, wouldn't it? Our precious freedoms need protecting, after all. And THAT'S why Tommy Chong belongs behind bars. On this day in 1878, the Chesebrough Ponds company launches Vaseline brand petroleum jelly. Within months, even your own great-great grandmother was giving anal sex a try. On this day in 1983, British new-wave rocker Thomas Dolby's song She Blinded Me with Science reaches #5 on America's pop charts. Remember that song? "She blinded me with science! (dee-boo-booo)" I wish you good luck trying to get it out of your head before tomorrow. On this day in 1995, the Dalai Lama proclaims 6-year-old Gedhun Choekyi Nyima to be the eleventh reincarnation of Panchen Lama, thereby proving that, contrary to popular supposition, Tibetan Buddhism is just as fucking stupid as every other religion on the planet. On this day in 1998, the final episode of Seinfeld airs on NBC. It sucks.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Dac! This lumberjack had been working in the woods for 3 months and was plenty horny when he came to town. So he buys a case of beer and heads for the local whorehouse. Once there he tells the madam to line up the girls and so she does. He goes to first one and twists a tit. She faints. The next one he knees in the crotch, she drops. Finally the third he could not hurt. "That is the one", he says, tossing her over his shoulder. Up the steps he goes. In the room he whips off his duds and sees the whore putting a beer into her snatch. "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" he says. She answers: "You want one open, don't yah?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Towjam for sending in today's second joke. Q: If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Andres Raid... A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?" "No," she says. The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: I.N.S. care of: Ack I have a friend who is president of his homeowner's association down in Washington D.C. They are having a terrible problem with trash on the side of the road that is around his association's homes. The reason, according to my friend, is that there is being built just next to them six new homes... big ones! Wallace said the trash (McDonald Bags, Burger King trash, etc) is coming from the Mexican work crews working at the construction sites. He has pleaded with the site supervisors and the general contractor to no avail, called the City, County, the Police and got no help. So... guess what some people in his community did? They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The Inner Neighborhood Services to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is HILARIOUS!!! They got some navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" in gold put on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, however, to understand what they hoped people would think it means. Well the day after their first pick up detail, with them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras; 46 out of 68, of the construction workers did not show up for work the next morning!!! ...and they haven't come back yet! It has been ten days. Now the General Contractor, I understand is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly, because he could be busted for hiring "illegal aliens". Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating INS folks, because they have it on their home owner association records the vote to form the new committee within their association, plus they informed the INS about what they were doing in advance, and the INS said basically according to Wallace... "have at it"! SO FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT AMERICAN INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!!! - Ack [You know why I don't believe this? Because white people don't pick up trash anymore. They pay Mexicans to do those jobs. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! This isn't really too odd, but... I've been married for 14 years, and my husband and I have great sex. The other day, he started saying things as he approached orgasm that he has never said before, in a manner he has never used before. I may be over-reacting, but he has just never said these things before; it was as though I was suddenly having sex with a stranger. Before it's always been moans and "Oh, god, baby," "you're the best," stuff like that. This time he was rather matter-of-fact, "Yup, that'll do it, yup, there it is," like he had just successfully put a part on his car. I know it's probably no big deal, but... it was definitely a WTF moment, for me anyway. Any idea what gives? "Happy orgasms to all y'all!" Luv, terri [Maybe he was just tired and worn out by all the other chicks he fucked that day. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hello, MOP Jerky -- In reference to the piece by Naveed concerning the phony pandemic of Bird Flu. Since the debacle of 9-11, nothing TPTB do would surprise me. My fear is that they may use this pandemic as cover to get rid of a lot of "Eaters", i.e. people who don't work and live off the system. Retired seniors, military retirees, welfare recipients, prison inmates, etc. They can probably start a non-lethal strain of flu and call it Bird-Flu. All they would have to do then is doctor the medication of these people. When they die, blame it on the flu. All the other major countries are probably already in on it so it would be worldwide. It ought to cut the world's population by a couple of billion and it would be just the ones they want to lose, the non-producers. No World War 3 -- no destroying the planet -- perfect solution. YOP Kenny "B" [The Great Garden of Humanity is about to get its weeds pulled, is what you're suggesting. I wish I could say that I didn't think the same thing. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey - Great little chat with Mike. What day was it on? I'm kinda curious to hear what you sound like... Cheers! Jack Frost [I sound ridiculous, but if you must hear my voice, check out the archived show at WhiteRoseSociety.org. My bit starts at the 2:24:22 mark. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky, Sorry to keep throwing my films at you, but some people may have had difficulty watching my last movie at the Mac site, so Rotten Clown is now up on the friendly YouTube site at this link. To view my other films type "contagiouscargo" in the search window. Thanks for your patience, Marc [There you go. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey MOP Jerky, Your a Trekie aren't you? Click here. Keith [No, and no. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; According to this, "Half of Americans now think George W. Bush will go down in history as a below-average president." Also, 53 percent of Americans think the NSA’s surveillance program "goes too far in invading people’s privacy," while 41 percent see it as a necessary tool to combat terrorism. It makes me crazy that so many people out there are so damned stupid. Cheers, Andy [I think this is probably due to the fact that half of all Americans are of below-average intelligence. Sad but true! - Jerky] *** **** *** Ciao Jerkmaestro, Since America was built on several waves of immigrants, Anglo-Saxon, Irish, Scandinavian, German, Japanese, etc. why are the people so scared of immigrants from America? It seems to me much like the old saying in the Navy: "Pull up the ladder, Jack, I'm aboard." The only way to stop the flow, because whatever you do they will find a way, is to ruin the American economy till it is worse than Mexico. Bush is working hard on that aspect. Maybe then the problem will be transferred to Mexico with the American immigrant problem! But why not just accept the situation and assimilate them like you assimilated all the other waves of, what was it, the "poor and the huddled masses" from Europe? Or is it that thes guys are not white skinned, and are all of mixed racial ancestry? Etna Fred [It's got nothing to do with race, religion or any other politically correct criteria like that. It's just that they don't smell like us. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com