EDUTAINMENT EDITION With recent speculation that one or more Supreme Court Justices might be retiring this summer - which means the unelected right-wing demagogue fraud currently squatting in the White House is gonna get to further strengthen his stranglehold on power by appointing shameless partisans, like his daddy did - yer old pal Jerky figured it might help us all understand what's at stake if we knew a little bit more about the current line-up. And so, to that end, I have created the following edutainment delivery device: Ruth Bader Ginsburg Nickname: "Baby Ruth" Catch Phrase: "Shut up and sit down, asshole!" Best known for: the way she keeps her desk so nice and tidy. Betcha didn't know: Once you get her to take off those matronly eyeglasses and undo her tightly pulled-back hair, Ruth is one devastatingly sexy mamasita! David Hackett Souter Nickname: "Mister Big-shot Rhodes Scholar" Catch Phrase: "Once a Rhodes Scholar, always a Rhodes Scholar!" Best known for: His willingness to take on cases so mind-numbingly boring, all the other Justices reject them. Betcha didn't know: Souter's favorite hobby is forcing frogs to smoke cigarettes. Clarence Thomas Nickname: "Slappy" Catch Phrase: "WHAAAAAAZZZAAAAAAAAAAH!" Best known for: His lack of experience prior to being appointed to the bench, and his most excellent pornography collection. Betcha didn't know: Justice Thomas just can't get enough of the ladies! Stephen Breyer Nickname: "The Man-Donkey" Catch Phrase: "Better put some butter on that." Best known for: His intense interest in energy regulation and his notoriously huge penis. Betcha didn't know: Justice Breyer is so proud of his impressive manhood, he's had it insured for a million dollars by Lloyd's of London! Antonin Scalia Nickname: "The Godfather" Catch Phrase: "You hippy freaks are all against me!" Best known for: Locking himself in his office, where he abandons himself to furniture-smashing fits of impotent rage. Betcha didn't know: This overly-fertile Supreme Court Justice has fathered no less than 37 children… not including the 8 legitimate ones! John Paul Stevens Nickname: "The Tort-inator" Catch Phrase: "It's all good." Best known for: Holding raging keggers in his chambers. Betcha didn't know: Justice Stevens provided half of the most thunderous rhythm section in rock when he played bass for Led Zeppelin! William Hubbs Rehnquist Nickname: : "Big Boss-man" Catch Phrase: "I sure do wish I were in the land of cotton!" Best known for: The extreme conservatism of his views, and the fact that he likes to whistle Dixie whenever there are black folks around. Betcha didn't know: Justice Rehnquist designed his own judicial robes after declaring the standard garb "totally lacking in drama!" Sandra Day O'Connor Nickname: : "Sandy" Catch Phrase: "Gag me with a gavel!" Best known for: Her fashion sense, and her keen nose for bargains. Betcha didn't know: At every Supreme Court Christmas party, Sandy is always the first person to whip off her top for the lads! Anthony M. Kennedy Nickname: : "Four-eyes" Catch Phrase: "I'm a Kennedy, but I'm not one of those Kennedys…" Best known for: Actually, not a whole helluva lot. Betcha didn't know: His golf swing is the envy of all the other Supreme Court Justices!

ON THESE DAYS! May 30 On this day in 1965, Vivian Malone becomes the first black person to graduate from the University of Alabama. She received her Bachelor of Arts in Redn'economics. That's where they teach you how to make your food budget stretch farther by incorporating roadkill into your diet. On this day in 1989, Margaret Ray pleads guilty to repeatedly breaking into David Letterman's house. Within a few years, after having switched her attentions to some astronaut, she would hitch a ride to the afterlife by kissing a speeding train, smack on the nose. On this day in 1992, Paul Simon weds Edie Brickell. Chaos ensues. On this day in 1997, Betty Shabazz, widow of slain civil rights leader Malcolm X, is set on fire by her 12 year old grandson for some reason. Too bad MTV's Jackass wasn't around back then. Otherwise, they would have had a handy scapegoat.

THEY SAID IT! "Read Antigone, when the king imposes his will without listening to those he rules or Thucydides' history. Read how Athens' expanding empire saw it become a tyrant abroad and then a tyrant at home. How the tyranny the Athenian leadership imposed on others it finally imposed on itself. This, Thucydides wrote, is what doomed Athenian democracy; Athens destroyed itself. For the instrument of empire is war and war is a poison, a poison which at times we must ingest just as a cancer patient must ingest a poison to survive. But if we do not understand the poison of war - if we do not understand how deadly that poison is - it can kill us just as surely as the disease." - Funny what will get a speaker booed off the stage these days, in New Perfect America. Click here for the rest of New York Times reporter Chris Hedges's Rockford College graduation speech, who was booed and fog-horned, and who ultimately had the plug pulled on him by nervous administrators. *** *** *** "I just hate her guts. She put me in that state, where I don't know. I really wish I did now. But now I really do want to rape her." - Upon reviewing his answer to a question about his current feelings towards Desiree Washington - the woman whose accusations of rape sent him to jail for half a decade - we here at the Daily Dirt have to assume that cannibal rapist Iron Mike Tyson must never have read the copy of Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People we recently sent him.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Big Pappa... Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them." The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister", said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked; "How many boxes would you like - there are twelve to a box." "I'll take six boxes that should last about a week" said the nun. The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like-we have large, extra large, and big liar size." The sister thought for a minute, and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel? *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Doc Kirby for sending in today's second joke. Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk, naturally, got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" Marcy said, "He said 'will you marry me'?" Heather said, "No, he said 'put your money away'!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Our old pal Tony from the UK sent in these two shitty jokes. A foggy night in London Town...Japanese tourist is hanging around by Big Ben when he sees another Japanese tourist coming out of the fog over Westminster Bridge. "Harro", he says, "You Japanese too?" "Yes" says the other one. "Good," says the first. "It's a rousy night. Ret's go for a drink." They go to a nearby pub and sit at a table with a couple of beers. "So what part of Japan you from?" asks the first one. "Me? I'm from Tokyo" replies the other one. "Me too. What rine of business you in?" "I work in rocal government." "There's a coincidence. So do I. What branch of rocal government?" "Sanitation Department, actuarry." "How 'bout that! I'm in sanitation department too! Where do you work?" "As a matter of fact, in the sewers." "Brow me down! I work in the sewers too! How come we both Japanese, both come from Tokyo, both work in Sanitation Department, both work in sewers, and yet we only meet when we come on vacation to Rondon?" "I don't know", says the other one. "I guess we must just be two Nips that pass in the shite." Q. Why do London policemen have the biggest balls? A. They sell the most tickets.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hi Jerky; I have heard the expression "Right to Work State" a couple of times recently on some of the US "News" channels we get over here on cable. Could you please enlighten me as to what exactly that is it sounds very laissez-faire to me. Regards, Chef Paul. Dear Chef Paul; It's very simple. Every time you hear a politician speaking the phrase "Right to Work," or you see that phrase in a newspaper op-ed piece, simply add the words "Yourself to Death Like the Worthless Serf you Are," at the end of it, and you've got a pretty good understanding of what it really means. *** **** *** Jerky, Regarding your On This Day comment about Hands Across America, 7 million people actually would be enough people if you wanted to hold hands across America. Look at it this way: there are 5280 feet in a mile if you had people stand 3 feet apart you would need 1760 people to cover one mile. Now 1760 people multiplied by 3000 miles that would equal to roughly 5,280,000 people. Now, why anybody would want to do that I don't have a clue, but it could be done. Signed: Chris Frankly, instead of seven million people holding hands across America, yer old pal Jerky would like to see ten million buck-naked hotties in a lickin' lezbo cat-bath daisy chain across America! Somebody should call George Soros and see if we can brainwash him into bankrolling this national morale-boosting effort. *** **** *** Yo Jerky. I want to know how much it would cost in US dollars to build an Ark and fill it with two of every kind of animal, 7 humans (Food, watse management, etc...) to wait for a world-wide flood, and THEN be able to survive weather that even the best Navy ships couldn't for 40 days. So... how much? Signed: Rogue Dear Rogue; I dunno... maybe a hundred dollars? No! Wait! A thousand!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: TEN CHARACTERISTICS OF THE COMPANY CAR! Care of: Chris and others 1. Accelerates at a phenomenal rate. 2. Has a much shorter braking distance than your own car. 3. Can take speed bumps at twice the speed of private cars. 4. The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked. 5. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing. 6. It needs cleaning less often than private cars. 7. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material. 8. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio. 9. It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked with the keys in the ignition. 10. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbecues and fishing expeditions on remote beaches. [Also, if you take a good run at it, the average company car has a fifty percent chance of skimming up to 100 feet over open water! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com