A MIXED FRICKIN' BAG Holy fucking SHIT. How far will the Powers That Be go to stifle dissent? Read this story and see for yourself. In case you haven't been following the George Galloway saga, here's the lowdown in a nutshell: Galloway is a Brit Member of Parliament who was outspoken in his condemnation of the methods used by Tony Blair in his (ultimately successful) attempts to get the UK to join with the USG in launching a military attack against Iraq. Some time after the war began, reports emerged that documentary evidence had been found showing Galloway had received millions of dollars from Saddam Hussein's regime in order to "promote Iraq's interests" in the West. The reports, of course, caused outrage. People on both sides of the Atlantic were calling for Galloway's head, though he denied everything. "Yeah, right!" was the typical reaction to his protestations of innocence. Obviously he was on the take, right? I mean... OBVIOUSLY!!! Well. Now that the fog of war has lifted (a little) and a semblance of rationality has begun to return, a closer look has revealed that the documents in question were poorly done and easily-debunked fakes. Just like the forged Nigerian nuke documents fiasco. In hindsight, it makes perfect sense that the story of Galloway's "treachery" would first break in the Telegraph, linked as it is with some of the new shadow hegemon's most powerful neocon movers and shakers: Richard Perle and Conrad Black of Hollinger Group, which publishes the Telegraph. Anyway, just remember folks, if any documents emerge linking yer old pal Jerky with Kim Jong-il or Charles Taylor or Robert Mugabe... it's all a buncha fuckin' BULLSHIT. *** **** *** This week, Republican Senator Orrin Hatch - Utah's favorite roarin' Mormon moron - generated no small amount of controversy when he suggested that people who download copyrighted materials from the Internet should have their computers automatically destroyed by remote control or voodoo or something. Unfortunately for Hatch, some vigilant cybergeeks discovered that Hatch's own website is using unlicensed software, which means the long-time Senator seems to have been hoisted on his own petard… or whatever it is those Mormons call that magic underwear of theirs. Andy Woolley, president of the UK software company that makes the Java-based software in question, yesterday confirmed that the copyright-protected code had not been licensed for use on Hatch's website. "They're using our code. We've had no contact with them. They are in breach of our licensing terms. It's an unlicensed copy. It's very unfortunate for him because of those comments he made." So there you go… Fuck you, Orrin Hatch! Because her first tooth pierced her upper gum instead of her jaw gum when she was a newborn - a bad omen in the eastern Indian area in which she lives - nine-year-old Karnamoni Hasda had to marry a dog last week, in an effort to keep evil spirits from possessing her and making her life a living hell. More than a hundred people attended the ceremony, which took place nine years after the initial bad omen because it took Karnamoni's father nine years to raise the cash for the interspecies wedding. Thankfully, marrying a dog for protection against evil spirits does not preclude Karnamoni from marrying a fellow human being once she reaches adulthood. Okay, I know what you sick fucking bastards are all thinking right now, and as for yer old pal Jerky, he has no idea if the marriage was ever consummated, nor does he want to know. So anyway, I think it would be best if we just moved on at this point. An "articulated lorry" - which I suspect, but can't be certain, is the British word for "big rig" - burst into flames and disgorged its cargo onto one of the busiest roadways in England this week, sending a cascade of giant rubber cocks, blow-up fuck-dolls and extreme bondage gear plunging onto the tarmac. The bizarre pseudo-carnage brought traffic to a standstill in the region, and it took all day to clear the body-parts off the street. One firefighter on the scene told reporters: "I've seen a few strange things in my time but this is certainly one of the most bizarre I've come across." Yer old pal Jerky thinks this guy should have at least waited until he got home before doing that, because it's both messy and extremely personal. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 20 On this day in 1402, the Battle of Angora takes place. That's the one where the entire Turkish Army suffered a humiliating defeat by a bunch of fuzzy, overpriced sweaters. Oh well... at least they didn't get their asses kicked by Kashmir. On this day in 1963, leaders from the United States and the Soviet Union agree to set up a telephone "Hot Line" to guarantee an instant link between each other at all times, in case of a nuclear emergency. Less than one year later, Stanley Kubrick would have a fictional President Merkin Muffley hilariously inform a drunken Premiere Kissoff that one of his generals… "well, he went a little funny… funny in the head. And he did a silly thing." The film is Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, and the President was played by the legendary Peter Sellers, in the absolute funniest one-sided telephone conversation ever caught on film. If you haven't seen this movie yet, what the fuck are you waiting for? You think art isn't important? Now more than ever, folks… now more than ever.

THEY SAID IT! "Charlie liked me the best always -- you remember that don't you Leonard? He always liked Jill the best." - A pathetically egomaniacal Farrah Fawcett Major Malfunction manages to talk her way out of a potentially lucrative cameo in the upcoming Charlie's Angels II: Full Throttle, by suggesting executive producer Leonard Goldberg cut the other two "classic" angels out of the deal, to save money. *** *** *** "You've got to remember that if Washington, D.C., were the size of Baghdad, we would be having something like 215 murders a month. There's going to be violence in a big city." - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld managed to slander both the memory of the 50-plus American soldiers who have died in Iraq since Dubya declared "mission accomplished," as well as the U.S. capital, which had a grand total of 262 murders last year, which is too much, to be sure, but hardly the TWENTY-SIX HUNDRED MURDERS that Rumsfeld, that twisted old son-of-a-bitch, seems to think take place.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Tony from the UK... Irish newlyweds Paddy and Mary walk into the hotel and ask for a suite. "Will ye be requirin' the Bridal, sorr?" asks the desk clerk. "No, t'anks," replies Paddy, "I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets the hang of it." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Mick for sending in today's second joke. A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh." "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . .You're simply going through the change." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Tony Hodges, Sydney Maycock Jr. and Hector Reyes sent in today's worst jokes. Q: What do you call a convicted clairvoyant on the run? A: A small medium at large Q. What can be said of a lesbian with her period? A. There's a leak in the Dyke!!!! Puerto Rican: What does a guy called Woody does in a hore house? Chinese: Pick his wife, daughters, mother, etc.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Jerky; I've got a legitimate question regarding Catholic Priests. When it comes to celibacy, why is it that every time one of these guys falls off the beam, he goes lookin' for a little boy??? I'm serious... I can understand that after years of being celibate, a guy could really get a hankerin' to get his rocks off, but wouldn't the natural reaction be to go lookin' for some pussy? Think about it... Father Toucher walks around for years, with a blue veiner under his robe, then one day, the blue veiner becomes a diamond cutter. Father Toucher finally snaps, and says, "fuck it, I'm gonna get some!" Does he go lookin' for snatch? Noooooo, he's got his eye on the altar boy. Why wouldn't Father Toucher just take a hundred bucks out of the collection plate, and get himself a hooker? Signed: Brian Dear Brian; It truly is a mystery. And the craziest thing about it is that, nowadays, if a priest were to start tom-catting around the diocese - "laying on hands" and using his staff and rod to give comfort to horny widows and spinster shut-ins - the prevailing sentiment amongst the flock would most likely be one of RELIEF. "At least our guy isn't a pedophile," the people would think to themselves as they chuckled at the thought of the rakish rogue in robes who delivered the Good News to them every Sunday. "At least he's a normal human being!" So if there are any Catholic priests out there reading this - preferably the non-pedophile kind - what are you waiting for, dudes? Get out there and GET THAT PUSSY! *** **** *** Well Jerky old man, this is one poor Dirt reader who goes by Tazz who says YEA asshole fear me for I am Evil, and will do onto you all the rotten things your mother made into your worst nightmare. Come on down my way to dear old Texas and me and MY Prez will kick some Jerky ass. Signed: Tazz69 Hey, bud; Thanks for helping to prove my point about how all "Taz" fans suffer from some form of developmental delay. Yer old pal Jerky's a Foghorn Leghorn man, himself. *** **** *** Jerky; Two questions..............Pink Floyd is one of my favorite bands...................i like to know what are your top five fav bands?? and should i read the worst jokes section and why?? Signed: Muz Dear Muz; Technically, that's three questions. Okay, anyway, so first things first, my five "fav" bands - and it changes all the time, mind you - are, in no particular order, Radiohead, King Crimson, Pink Floyd, Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention, and Nine Inch Nails. As for whether or not you should read the Worst Joke section, that's entirely up to you. As for WHY you might want to read that section, hell, I dunno... maybe to pick up some more bad spelling habits? But you already seem to have that ground covered......................know what I mean?

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: REVISIONIST HISTORIANS?! Care of: Looky-Look Jerky; So, a few days ago Dubya was speechifyin' when he classified those that were giving serious scrutiny to the Administration's overblown claims about Iraq's threat level that drove us into war as 'revisionist historians'. Basically what he's saying is that these 'historians' are now just misinterpreting what was said at the time, after the fact. When they said 'Weapons of Mass Destruction', they really meant 'Weapons of Mass Destruction Programs', when they said chemical weapons at the ready, they really meant chemical weapons programs at the ready, etc. and that these 'historians' are disregarding that Saddam was a bad man for a long time. How is this shit even remotely flying? I mean, I personally have video tapes of Senate hearings, press briefings and Powell's laughable-if-it-weren't-so-frightening testimony to the UN where it was claimed Saddam was sitting on top of an enormous arsenal and was one nervous tick away from launching it all at America & Pals and we all should be very, very scared. A lot of the shit they've said is well documented, hell you can go to C-SPAN.org and watch the diarrhea gurggle directly from the mouths of Bush, Rumsfeld, Powell, Rice, Fleischer, et. al. That is, if the transcripts on the White House's own webpage require too much reading (such transcripts are excellent sedatives, by the by). So who exactly are the 'revisionist historians' here? Those who are seeing things for what they are/were, or those who want us to see things their way so that they don't get hefty war crimes charges levied upon them? - Looky-Look [Your last question was rhetorical, correct? It's getting harder to tell in this age of living satire. Where liars rule and practice their art with impunity, nuance flattens - words fall like dead weight, losing their spirit - and irony becomes invisible. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com